Michael Morena ([info]mmorena) wrote,
@ 2006-11-19 05:19:00
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Current mood: enraged

Enraged
My social circle has degenerated into a group of gossiping, viscous little high-schoolers. I have watched it happen and have tried to take the high road, but since a number of them have started spreading dangerous rumors that could hurt other people, I feel compelled to set the record straight.

Recently my friend had a relationship end that he was hoping would continue. It was no secret that I found this girl attractive, but when she broke up with him, I accepted that she would be off limits. We had already begun to develop a friendship, but I knew that was as far as it would go. I flirt, I joke, I tease, but I will not cross that line into territory that would be injurious to my friend. Then my wife's boyfriend found himself in a position to initiate a casual relationship with her, not being particularly close with Jonathan, he acted on it. Then all hell broke loose.

Question: How the hell is this MY fault? What exactly have I done? Suddenly because I am in a poly relationship I have no identity of my own. Everything Clark does "we" are doing to Jonathan. OK fine. People want to believe that, go crazy.

Then the rumors start. First it's that Ashley is MY new girlfriend. WHAT!?! OK, so I call Jonathan. "You know this is not true, yes?". He says yes. Fine.

Tonight, after a two-hour conversation with Jonathan I am hoping that things will start calming down. That I will stop hearing rumors about people I thought were my friends expressing strong opinions about what I (not just Clark) am doing to Jonathan. Then tonight (admittedly through several people) I hear a great one:

"Jonathan is angry because Michael is sleeping with Ashley behind his back."

WHAT!!! THE!! FUCK!?!?!?!?!?!?

I have never taken so much shit for something I AM NOT DOING in my whole life. And this rumor comes (as far as I know, waiting for confirmation) from the mouth of someone I consider a friend. Strike that. CONSIDERED a friend if this is true.

I have really tried to just deal. I am trying to take all the rumors of people I thought I could trust forming negative opinions of the situation WITHOUT EVER HEARING MY SIDE OF THE STORY with a grain of salt. They could just be rumors. Surely my friends are not calling my family and I a cult. They can't assume I would have sex with Ashley knowing how Jonathan feels about it. They would want to hear both sides right? But the evidence keeps pointing to the undeniable fact that at least some of the people in the circle are smiling to my face, and talking shit behind my back. And since NOBODY has asked me anything about it I find that maddening. So much for "communication, communication, communication".

For the record: I am not sleeping with Ashley. We have MUTUALLY agreed that this would be bad. I do not have any control over what Clark does. And if you are spreading rumors, please grow up. Nobody but Jonathan has heard both sides of the story, and if you have picked a “side” in this situation, you have done it with only half the story, and you are being what everybody is accusing me of: A terrible friend.


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[info]ebony_sphynx
2006-11-19 06:50 pm UTC (link)
god! how awful! I guess I really am out of the loop, since I had no clue anything was going on with anyone...I'm so sorry for everyone involved (yes, I know, I did say everyone)....including those only involved by proxy. I still love and respect you and, frankly, whoever you or clark or amy or anyone has sex with is really not my business...though stories from the horse's mouth are sometimes entertaining.
I hope this clears up soon and that whoever is being so silly and rude grows up or moves on.

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[info]mlerules
2006-11-19 08:09 pm UTC (link)
Amen.

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[info]delerium3
2006-11-19 08:19 pm UTC (link)
Yea, what she said.

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out of town
[info]mike_pett
2006-11-19 08:05 pm UTC (link)
Hey M,
I just want to point out that you are using real names which kinda weirds me out a bit on an unlocked post in this format.
I understand your feelings and your point of view. I am wondering if I am one of the people you are mad at. Being [info]lifeofreilly's roommate obviously this subject has come up. I am pretty good about distinguishing rumor from fact and stating the difference in what comes out of my mouth so i am not sure if from your point of view I belong on your shit list or not.
I think that you do not think I do since I would expect you to feel free to express yourself to me in any way and at any time. I hope I have given you the impression you can do that. I think you might have talked to me about it if I have upset you.
I am actually writing this because of the way you reacted to me at your workplace this week. It seemed to me that you didn't want anything to do with me. I don't think that I am on a side but from where you sit I might be and I understand that. I also understand that I am probably way down on your priority list right now and that you are probably really busy at work and I was just misinterpreting how that meeting went.
Although I am privy to some of the conversation around this I don't feel like I am involved and at the same time I am hoping that it works out for the best for everyone including yourself.

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Re: out of town
[info]mmorena
2006-11-20 03:38 am UTC (link)
That's the problem, I don't KNOW if you are on my shit list. I have heard rumors that you have expressed a strong opinion, but none of those rumors equal proof to me. I will not be guilty of what others are doing to me: believing everything I hear. If you have ever uttered the phrase "wow that sucks what they/Michael/those guys are doing to Jonathan" or the equivalent you are. If you have formed a negative opinion about my actions without ever asking my side of the story, you are. Absent that, I have no issues with you.

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Re: out of town
(Anonymous)
2006-11-20 04:05 am UTC (link)
Well then this worrying about who is talking smack about you might just be the problem, people talk smack. People are like that. Even the ones who like you and will back you when the chips are down talk the smack. You may not like it but it is something everyone, even yourself has done and will do again. Whether you do things that are worthy of bringing up in a negative light or not sometimes it happens.
I don't think I have accused you of anything. I do think that some of your behaviors serve to compound the situation. I may be wrong about that, I don't really keep tabs on you like that. I think you might be well served not to run off without answering me when I say hi to you. That just smacks of guilt. I don't think that you are guilty. What I am saying is freaking out about things that you haven't verified is the same thing you are accusing others of. Assuming everyone is against you and is after you or something just adds to the confusion.
Perhaps following up on a case by case basis when you care what someone thinks of you and have reason to believe that their opinion may have taken a turn.
Sometimes giving other people a chance to tell you what they think is all they need, They don't even believe it half the time. Resisting an idea you have not verified just makes it seem like you have a position to defend.

As far as forming a negative opinion about another without asking their side of the story I think that you once claimed you would never forgive me for how I had treated a mutual freind/lover of ours and I don't remember having a talk with you about it. That just might have been a rumor though and you know what I did? I waited to see if it mattered to you enough to bring it up. That way I found out if it was true that you felt that way or if time passed and you would let it go or if it was of no consequense. I think that not making a big deal out of that was a good plan. I think ,correct me here if I am wrong, that you either never took that position or got over it on your own. That is how it works as far as I can see. People get all worked up all the time and it is often of no consequence. We give each other room to be human and it all settles down and we are fine. You seem human enough to me.

So I am going to operate on the assumption that you will talk directly to me about anything that matters to you and otherwise these posts are just an indication that you are concerned and upset. Everyone handles that differently. Hang in there.

Incidentally I know that you don't need a lecture from me right now, I am just trying to help. That's why I answered your post in the first place.

M

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Re: out of town
[info]mike_pett
2006-11-20 04:08 am UTC (link)
oops wasn't logged in

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Re: out of town
[info]mmorena
2006-11-20 06:01 am UTC (link)
First, I was busy at work that day, and although I was concerned about what I had heard abut you, that was not a part of why I was running, I was doing my job. Given the opportunity I would gladly have confronted you.

Second, if I once treated you the way you are treating me I am truly sorry. Being on the other end of it now is teaching me a great deal about how I need to treat my friends, and I hope that I will never make anyone feel the way I feel now.

Third, I will never glibly accept that talking smack is just what people do, especially when that talk ends up hurting other people, and I am not the only one being hurt here. I know we all do it, I know I will fall into the trap myself some day, but I will not excuse myself by saying "hey, we all do it". It is unhealthy, and at times very hurtful, and I hope I will have the courage to stand up and say "ooops, my bad", not "get over it".

Fourth, what behaviors are you talking about? If you have not kept tabs on me, how do you know? Knowing the state of mind I am in, do you think that was a productive comment? For that matter, was the tone overall likely to be in any way productive?

Finally, you are right, freaking out about nothing serves no purpose. However now I have confirmation. A person who we are mutually acquainted with overheard a conversation last night regarding the drama and VOLUNTEERED that the reason Jonathan is mad at me is that I broke a promise and had sex with Ashley. When told that that was not true, she corrected them and argued it was. She claims she does not remember who told her this, but for some reason still felt it was worth repeating. Let me stress this again: I have not had sex with Ashley. If nobody in that room had any idea what the truth was, they would have believed it. This is not talking smack. This is spreading lies. And even if this turns out to be the only thing anyone really did that was hurtful, that is enough to wound me deeply.

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eye to eye
[info]mike_pett
2006-11-20 06:11 pm UTC (link)
I think we see everything quite a bit differently. I am not talking about this situation exclusively. I think what I need to realize is that I have no direct involvement in this situation and absolutely no firsthand information to share.
I should shut the fuck up.

If I have been a bad friend I apologize for that. It is not my intention to make your life difficult or to oppose you and your view.

For your information NO ONE in our mutual circle of friends is accusing you of anything. In fact I got a call from someone saying that if they had accused you it was not true. I had never heard them do so. If they did I don't remember them doing so. No one in the Monster House is accusing you of anything.

I see that my ability to let the opinions of other be just that, the opinions of others, is not for everyone. I understand that you are dealing with things that have been presented as facts that were not facts. I get your point that people need to get those facts straight before they discuss it and form opinions that effect others. I can understand what you are saying about it hurting other people and I see where you are coming from as you go about setting the record straight.

From here it looks like your community supports you.

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[info]batosai
2006-11-20 03:22 am UTC (link)
REALLY sorry you have been so caught up in drama of late and i hope it clears up soon. I assure you i am out of this loop, and am not hearing nor spreading anything of the like, not to mention, i know better about what a good, considerate friend you are.

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[info]ner0sputnik
2006-11-20 05:19 am UTC (link)
Question: How the hell is this MY fault? What exactly have I done? Suddenly because I am in a poly relationship I have no identity of my own. Everything Clark does "we" are doing to Jonathan. OK fine. People want to believe that, go crazy.

Well, it's because... ummm... Y'seee... When a mommy and a daddy and a special friend... ummm... shit... I've got nothing.

See? This is why I NEVER believe ANYTHING unless I hear it from the horse's mouth. Years of faire have trained me to believe no one... and then... not to care, anyway. What one person's politics is with another is not my politics with that person and just because ____ doesn't like ____ because ___ did this to ___... first off, is NEVER the whole story. Second off, ____ didn't do ____ to me so why should it affect MY friendship...

Fuck, sorry... got worked into a lather there... preachin' to the choir, I know. But I relate and hate this shit, too. Here's hoping it gets cleared up soon and that some people grow up. But I've also learned some people live for drama... I call those people "what's his name?"

But I still love you, you sexy, sexy man.

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[info]nightrythm
2006-11-20 03:10 pm UTC (link)
*wow* I count myself completely thankful that I have heard nary a whisper about this. I'd like to believe that my response either way would be that the individuals are adults able to make their own decision and this is not my problem or my business.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this bullshit. *hugs*

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[info]willabark
2006-11-20 04:38 pm UTC (link)
The only rumor I ever started about you was the torrid afair you had with that Llama. That turned out to be true....you llama humper!
Seriously tho, that sucks. Any one you need me tp kick right in the shins?
I'm here for you in the shin kicking department.

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[info]lifeofreilly
2006-11-20 05:31 pm UTC (link)
To all of my Livejournal and real life friends who have decided to get themselves indirectly caught up in my business and people who have taken some kind of interest in my personal life as of late, I have a message for you. (this is NOT aimed at you Michael, or any of the principles involved- this is for everyone else).


Please stop.

I know exactly what is going on. I am utterly content with the current relationship / dating / status / situation. I am happy for everyone involved. I *like* everyone involved. I even love some of them. ;)



What I can't deal with right now is the Gorram rumor mill. Please. Stop.




I know it's juicy and it might make you feel just a bit naughty to talk smack or spread conjecture or uninformed opinion around- but what this is doing is destroying people that I love. I won't have that. Ever.



Please- just be cool. And hold your goddamn tongue. What you are saying to to other people is incorrect, gossipy, hurtful, and just plain wrong. If you want to know what is going on- just ask me- I'll talk about it freely, happily, nicely. Or talk to M or A or C. If you've heard something- please just kill whatever rumor you have heard.



I cannot believe that I have to deal with all of this. It's been a very hard three weeks for everyone.



I want to get on with my life, my loves, my friends- but y'all are making that impossible. I may loose my best friend over the issue because people KEEP talking.


Jesus Tapdancing Christ people. Please- don't be that human who sucks.


We are all adults. We all love each other. Things you are saying are *hurtful*. I won't have it.


-J

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Thank you
[info]mmorena
2006-11-20 07:01 pm UTC (link)
This is exactly what I needed. I am truly sorry you have to deal with this on top of your own shit right now, but it means a lot to me that you took the time to speak up. You are a good man.

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[info]sxyswtgrl
2006-11-21 05:09 am UTC (link)
You could never lose your best friend over something like this. Michael has never had anything but good things to say about you, and he loves and respects you. I don't think he would ever hold the actions of others against you. I respect you for jumping in and telling people to stop and basically mind their own business. You Rock!

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[info]blood_thunder
2006-11-21 02:03 pm UTC (link)
Word, Baby.

*Hippie Hug*

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My love...
[info]sxyswtgrl
2006-11-21 05:07 am UTC (link)
I know as well as most, maybe more than othes, maybe less than others, but still, I know how it feels to be hurt by others' ramblings. People have said things about me behind my back to you, and you have been the respectful, loving friend that I always trusted you to be, and asked me about it if it was important, or dismissed it as silly ramblings if it wasn't important. I will always do the same for you, the only things I say about you to others is how wonderful I think you are, and how highly I think of you. I respect your opinions. I love you. And I have never once heard you say anything gossipy about anyone, and I respect and admire you even more for that.
When I read what you said about not falling into the category of "oh well, everyone does it" sorta thing, I was very proud of you, I believe every word of it, and I whole heartedly agree. I don't think anyone should just blow off hurting someone else. Everyone makes mistakes, but you learn from them, and grow. And I am so blessed to know you.

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[info]blood_thunder
2006-11-21 01:58 pm UTC (link)
Ok.

I am a few days behind LJ so I am recalibrating my reading.

Ok, I'm just gonna say this with love an concern for all parties involved:

(1) I know very little of the actual details of what went down, but

(2) I don't suspect malintent and

(3) Lookit: J is my friend so I have heard this from his side and as far as I know, nobody was blaming you at all.

(4) I acknowledge that there are details I don't know here, being all the way down South and all (damn grad school!), but FWIW, I never once have heard your name at "Fault" or anything of that nature.

Seriously.

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And Also
[info]blood_thunder
2006-11-21 02:00 pm UTC (link)
Nobody is thinking bad things about you, juuuuuuuuuuusssssst remember that, ok? Deeeeeeep breath, nobody thinks you're a bad guy.

Kay?

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